An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she
was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs.
Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth
control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth
control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice
every morning and I sleep better at night."
The Straight Dope On Food, Health, & Exercise:
** Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A:
Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like
saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.
** Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must
grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are
these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a
good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
** Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about
fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world
into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that
only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your
liquid vegetables.
** Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and
you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio
is two to one, etc.
** Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the
benchpress. What did he mean? A: "Spotting"for someone means you stand
over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health
clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in,
you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
** Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain -
Good.
** Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of
individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress
yourself to death in record time.
** Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried
these days in vegetable oil. Infact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?
** Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy.
** Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only
be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Things Kids Should Learn in School:
** Life is not fair. Get used to it.
** The real world won't care as much about your self esteem as your school does.
It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
This may come as a shock.
** Sorry, you won't make $75,000 a year right out of high school.
** If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.
** Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
** It is not your parents' fault. If you screw up, YOU are responsible.
** Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got
that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room, and listening to you tell
them how idealistic you are.
** Life is not divided into semesters and you DON'T get summers off.
** Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look like a moron.
** You are not immortal.
** Your school may be outcome-based. Life isn't.
Going To A Hockey Game...
Three Canadians and three Americans were traveling to a hockey game.
The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a
single ticket. How are the three people going to travel on only one
ticket?", asks an American.
Watch and you'll see," says a Canadian. They all board the train. The
Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a
bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please!" The
door opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever
idea.
So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save
some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.
How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed American.
"Watch and you'll see," replies a Canadian.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three
Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby.
Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to
the other bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says,
"Ticket please!"
You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .
. . . your twin sister forgets your birthday.
. . . you wake up face down on the pavement.
. . . you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
. . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
. . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
. . . your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
. . . you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of
your city.
. . . the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
. . . your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of
Hell's Angels on the freeway.
. . . your boyfriend calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd
better get the Test
. . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up
. . . your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
How To Photograph A New Puppy...
** Remove film from box and load camera
** Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
** Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
** Choose a suitable background for photo
** Mount camera on tripod and focus
** Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
** Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
** Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
** Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
** Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
** Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
** Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
** Put magazines back on coffee table
** Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
** Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
** Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside!
No, outside!"
** Call spouse to clean up mess
** Fix a drink
** Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit"
and "stay" the first thing in the morning
A Guy Walks Into a Bar...
A guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with a tall, attractive blonde woman.
During the course of the conversation he says would you like to hear a 'blonde'
joke ?
"Well", says the girl, "I'm obviously blonde, I'm 6 feet tall
without heels and I've been training in judo for the past 5 years."
Raising her voice slightly she went on, "My flatmate's blonde, she's 6 feet
2" tall, has been involved in karate for 10 years, she's a black belt and
has been Southern Counties Ladies' Champion for the past 3 years.
Lastly she added "My next door neighbor's blonde, she weighs over 200lbs.
and is a professional womens' wrestler, do you still want to tell the joke about
a blonde ?"
"Well no" came the reply, "Not if I've got to explain it 3
times".
***
A businessman calls his secretary:
"Lena, how many zeros are there in one million?"
"Six."
He hangs up and says to his partner, "You see? Six zeros in one million. So
in two million there are twelve!"
***
Two NRs meet, and one asks:
- Hey, Vasya, where did you get your nice tie?
- At the Valentino store. Cost me $2000.
- Phew, - the other one says with contempt, - I know a place where you can get
exactly same tie for $5000!
***
A New Russian (NR) is stopped by a traffic policeman, who
opens his car's trunk and sees a Kalashnikoff automatic rifle there.
- What the hell is that supposed to be? - policeman asks.
- It's a calculator, - replies the NR.
- Gimme a break, - the policeman protests, producing a calculator from his
pocket, - Now here's a calculator...
- Different models, - the NR explains. - Yours is for preliminary score, and
mine is for final ones.
***
A New Russian comes from a visit to the States.
- The country is so much like Russia, - he concludes, - You know, their dollars
look just like our bucks!..
***
A New Russian tells his friends, that he's gonna try
boarding a trolleybus the next day. Everybody is dying from curiosity, and the
next day his friends come to his office, to hear about his impressions.
- I didn't make it, - he confesses sadly.
- How come?!
- They do not let people board a trolleybus with their Volvos...
***
A New Russian's son approaches a gorgeous lady in a lobby
of five-star Metropol hotel.
- Mind a stroll? - he volunteers.
- Well, I bet your car ain't a Volvo, - she replies.
- Nope, it is not, - he confides.
- And you do not own even an average size bank, - she continues.
- Nope, - he admits again.
- And you don't have a three-storey house in Old Arbat, - she concludes. He
agrees again. - Then get lost, miser!
The lady leaves, and the chap stands in distressed puzzlement.
- I can trade my Saab 900 for a Volvo, - he muses to himself, - and I can split
my financial trust into a chain of average-size banks, but I obviously can't
talk my father into demolishing the top three floors of our Old Arbat
residence...
***
An New Russian (NR) comes into a car dealership and asks
for a silver Mercedes 600SEL. The employee shows him the car, receives the
payment and asks with much curiosity:
- Excuse me, sir, but didn't you buy exactly same car three days ago?
- I sure did, - retorts the NR, - But in that one the ashtray is filled up
already!!!