Объявление:
Желающим изучать английский язык
у опытного преподавателя за умеренную
плату уступлю место в 8-Б классе.
*****
Лекция на филфаке.
"В английском языке, - говорит профессор, -
двойное отрицание дает утверждение.
В других языках, например, в русском,
двойное отрицание все равно обозначает
отрицание. Но нет ни одного языка, в котором
бы двойное утверждение обозначало
отрицание".
Голос с задней парты: "Ага, конечно."
*****
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a
painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their
reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out,
"They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a
paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
*****
Little Boy: What will communism be like when
perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs
meat today."
*****
What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's
Manual?
The bus and train timetables.
*****
During his visit to the States, Putin was intrigued by
a new telephone capable of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly with the
devil, and the call cost him 27 cents. When he came back home, he found out that
this same service was now available in Russia too. He tried it again and
received a bill for $12,000. Putin was distressed.
- How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents in the US.
- Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call.
*****
A delegation of foreign communists came to see a
Moscow kindergarten. Before they came, the kids were instructed to answer every
question by the visitors with just one sentence, "In the USSR everything is
the best in the world."
The visitors came and asked their questions:
"Children, do you like your kindergarten?"
"In the USSR everything is the best in the world!" the kids shouted.
"And what about the food you get?"
"In the USSR everything is the best in the world!"
"Do you like your toys?"
"In the USSR everything is the best in the world!"
At that, the smallest boy in the group started crying.
"Misha, why are you crying? What happened?"
"I want to go to the USSR!"
*****
For many years the Americans have been training an
agent to work in Russia. His legend was superbly elaborated. Finally he was
dropped off from a plane into the Russian territory dressed in a quilted jacket,
felt high boots and a cap with ear-flaps. He stepped out of the woods came to
the nearest log cabin and asked the old woman who lived there for a drink.
-Are you a spy dearly, the lady asked.
-Where did you get that from, old lady.
-Well, we never saw black men in these parts before.
*****
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two
people show up. One is a good looking older retired Navy Chief in his
mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you better be good or you're
history".
"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out
first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and
the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant
and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks,
sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues
to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at
her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Marine and
asks, "Can you top that?"
The old Chief replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the
cage."
*****
Mr Spice goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too
much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at
least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."
The doctor says,
"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".
The next week Mr Spice returns.
"Doctor," he says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but
now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".
"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."
*****
Here's one I heard today:
A Russian, a Frenchman and an American argued who was the bravest man. The
American said, "For example, we take ten cars of which one has no brakes.
We throw dice, each of us gets a car, we drive on a mountain road. Afterwards
one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him there."
"That's nothing," the Frenchman said. "We choose ten girls and
one of them has AIDS. We throw dice and each one of us gets a girl, and we make
love to them throughout the night. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and
the other nine visit him."
The Russian said, "We gather in an apartment, even though we know that one
of us must be an informer. We tell political jokes throughout the night, and
then nine are in jail, and one visits the nine there."
*****
There was an international competition for the best
book about elephants.
France submitted a lavishly illustrated volume titled "Love triangles in
the elephants' families."
England presented a treatise "Elephants and the World Trade."
Germany submitted 24 volume set under the title "Introduction into
elephantology."
The USA furnished one million copies of a leaflet announcing a sweepstakes,
"Win an Elephant. No purchase necessary."
The USSR sent three volumes, with the following titles,
Vol. 1. Role of elephants in the Great October Socialist Revolution.
Vol. 2. The happy life of elephants under the sun of the most progressive in the
world Soviet Constitution.
Vol. 3. Russia - the Motherland of elephants.
*****
Vitali and Mr Spice sit on the bank of the river and
smoke dope.
A crocodile comes out of the river:
- Hey pals, let me have a whiff.
- Get lost, oh green one!
- Come on guys, just one!
- Go %@~# yourself!
So what would you do? Well, the crocodile swallows Vitali and sits in his place.
Mr Spice, inhaling, is holding the butt out to Vitali and suddenly sees a
crocodile.
- W-ell, it seems you've had enough, Comrade!